The reason....

Sometimes when I wake up in the morning, I have this very strong feeling wash over me; that it’s been twenty five long years. Then comes the fear of facing another twenty five odd vacant years if god would be so kind to put a stop to this misery by then. You would start wondering, if I would go on about my tortures life filled with painful events. That’s not the point. I’ve had my heart breaks and I’ve had my happy moments as anybody. I’ve amazing parents, to whom I’m ever grateful. I’ve my friends, the ones who have left me and the ones who have stood by me for all my adult life. Life has kept me occupied with its unforgettable happiness and cruel sorrows. I’m a normal person with a normal life.

Then why this misery? Why do I feel so strong about things like these? Why? When I see a child, I feel pity. Thinking, poor thing you didn’t have a choice. That’s it, choice or the lack of it. Think about it, do you real have a choice? Everything in our life is about ones action to other’s reaction. We react; we don’t choose.

Then comes control, we have been brought up thinking we control our destiny. But not even your birth is in your control so where do I go from here. Since we are ruled by our emotions nothing is under our control. From the time I wake to the time go back to sleep, I’m controlled be an alarm clock to the fact that another alarm clock is going wake me up early the next day.

My best friend has a simple answer for this, God. In a way I see his point. When you stop analyzing things and place your unadulterated faith in something, you get back the magic. The illusion of choice and control. Life goes back to its brilliant form. Now hold your horses, I see another problem actually a very big problem.

I believe in God, whatever form he might be. I don’t question the validity of any mythological believes. But if I believe God is such a supreme being, I don’t understand why we would be important in his eyes. Why would he care, even if whole of humanity ends? In his eyes why should I be any different than an ant? Then I can’t shake this feeling, that this is our arrogance and stupidity, same as to think we are the end of these billion years of evolution, same as to think this whole planet is for our intent and purpose.

Now am back to square one, let me come to the point. Now that am here, lets forget why and focus on how. How do I have a happy life? Not skin deep but happy in my soul. I’ve searched this answer all my life, knowingly or unknowingly. Then I got it when I first fell in love. That’s right ladies and gentlemen. Love has given a meaning to my soul. To say I would end my life for it would be besides my point, I would live for it.

Now am in love again, I know the road is hard and twisty. But it gives me that meaning, that sense of belonging. It tells me that am no different. Above all it gives me that choice and that control. I know, choice is an illusion and control is a fairytale. But now I could live in that fairytale.

Fear gives men wings

Pain makes us appreciate happiness better. It seams without the dark side life becomes monotonous. People dream of a beautiful world, the god’s own backyard where innocence is never lost; where anger never materializes, where tears never fall and pain never felt. We hail the return of the son of god; we wait in anticipation for the rebirth of a pure soul. We want them to eradicate the evil and reward the good. We want them to show us a better life, No pain. In all we embrace a perfect world.

In reality, our subconscious won’t take it. It would reject it with the same vigilance as it fights a disease. It would need the circle of life, a balanced equation. When we have Christ, we need an anti-Christ.

But world is moving towards a better life, one might argue of the moral corruption and AIDS and terrorism and Bush. Right all this has made a mockery of human values but in general our life has become better. Women have an equal say in most part of the world, death by unnatural causes has gone down considerably. The list goes on. Countries are moving forward, we no more have a single super power. We are entering a multi powered era. Our life style has become more comfortable; humans enjoy more and suffer less. Technology is more affordable. In all we have started to feel less and want more.

Deep down this worries everybody. Even when I want everybody happy, why would my soul reject it? Why do I appreciate a Mohammed Ali better than a Lenox Lewis., Maybe harder times test ones character. Hence we are awed by a broken champion who stood his ground than one who won everything and had everything. Maybe we don’t need a perfect world but a will to handle imperfection better.

Then I need pain to define myself, hardship to make me a better human. We know saints who gave up all. They go through a life of hardship, a life of devotion, a life of passion. Then I wonder, what gives them the purpose, the cause for such a selfless sacrifice, not just their life but also the lives around them. Since I know there can’t be a perfect world, heaven as you call it. I know, a better a pure life is not the force behind such an inhuman devotion. I wonder, is this really a devotion to a superior being asking for a life without pain. Then it hit me, it’s not the passion at all; it’s the fear. Fear which give men wings.

Its fear which motivates them, its fear that keeps them going on through their hardship. It’s the fear of going through all this all over again. Pain is a powerful motivator, since we are blessed with a sixth scene. We now no more just feel pain but understand it.