The reason....

Sometimes when I wake up in the morning, I have this very strong feeling wash over me; that it’s been twenty five long years. Then comes the fear of facing another twenty five odd vacant years if god would be so kind to put a stop to this misery by then. You would start wondering, if I would go on about my tortures life filled with painful events. That’s not the point. I’ve had my heart breaks and I’ve had my happy moments as anybody. I’ve amazing parents, to whom I’m ever grateful. I’ve my friends, the ones who have left me and the ones who have stood by me for all my adult life. Life has kept me occupied with its unforgettable happiness and cruel sorrows. I’m a normal person with a normal life.

Then why this misery? Why do I feel so strong about things like these? Why? When I see a child, I feel pity. Thinking, poor thing you didn’t have a choice. That’s it, choice or the lack of it. Think about it, do you real have a choice? Everything in our life is about ones action to other’s reaction. We react; we don’t choose.

Then comes control, we have been brought up thinking we control our destiny. But not even your birth is in your control so where do I go from here. Since we are ruled by our emotions nothing is under our control. From the time I wake to the time go back to sleep, I’m controlled be an alarm clock to the fact that another alarm clock is going wake me up early the next day.

My best friend has a simple answer for this, God. In a way I see his point. When you stop analyzing things and place your unadulterated faith in something, you get back the magic. The illusion of choice and control. Life goes back to its brilliant form. Now hold your horses, I see another problem actually a very big problem.

I believe in God, whatever form he might be. I don’t question the validity of any mythological believes. But if I believe God is such a supreme being, I don’t understand why we would be important in his eyes. Why would he care, even if whole of humanity ends? In his eyes why should I be any different than an ant? Then I can’t shake this feeling, that this is our arrogance and stupidity, same as to think we are the end of these billion years of evolution, same as to think this whole planet is for our intent and purpose.

Now am back to square one, let me come to the point. Now that am here, lets forget why and focus on how. How do I have a happy life? Not skin deep but happy in my soul. I’ve searched this answer all my life, knowingly or unknowingly. Then I got it when I first fell in love. That’s right ladies and gentlemen. Love has given a meaning to my soul. To say I would end my life for it would be besides my point, I would live for it.

Now am in love again, I know the road is hard and twisty. But it gives me that meaning, that sense of belonging. It tells me that am no different. Above all it gives me that choice and that control. I know, choice is an illusion and control is a fairytale. But now I could live in that fairytale.